Recently the subject of marriage has come up on a forum I belong to. All the women have their own perspective on marriage and what it takes to have a good marriage. I have been married twice before. One of the women made a statement that "there is no 50/50 in a marriage. That someone has to wear the pants." I cannot agree with that statement at all......... that there is no 50/50. I think that IS the problem in most marriages! I had a marriage like that. I know it doesn't work. My parents had an equal partnership......neither was over the other one. Once a woman hands over her 50%.........then she is resentful of her spouse, and puts herself in the same boat as her children. Except they grow up and leave home, she doesn't, unless they split up.
One key in marriage that I learned many years ago from Marlo Thomas of all people, is that she told Phil Donahue before they got married, that she wants the same for him as she wants for herself. Meaning that she doesn't put him or his career behind her's or in front of her's. They are the same. Equal. She wanted him to do good and have the best, and wanted him to feel the same about her. I can't remember her exact quote, but it was in his book when he wrote about their relationship.
Not long ago on that same forum we discussed the incidence of women withholding sex from their spouses for reasons like wanting him to do something for them, having an argument or buy them something or any such reason. Well, if you hand him over your part of the partnership, in your marriage, then that is when sex does become the bargaining chip for the wife, who has given up her rights in the marriage.
My parents and my in-laws were both married in 1942 and I know both of our mothers were equal partners in their marriages. My mother worked and managed the money in our house, but there were never issues over money in our house. We always had nice homes, nice cars and did a lot of fun things as a family. I never ever heard my parents have a cross word with each other. I had friends who's parents fought and I remember getting really scared if I was at their house when they fought because I was not familiar with that. My family was full of humor, jokes and laughter. To this day, my father at 91, can't wait to tell you a joke or share something funny someone said or did.
So what happens when two people meet? They feel that spark of attraction and want to get to know each other better. Is that the time to sit down and make up the rules of their relationship? Or do you just kind of slide into some sort of routine and then too late you realize that you have stopped being yourself to accommodate this new person in your life? Many times that is what happens. The reason is that discussing it may ruin the spontaneity of the new relationship. If you don't stop the relationship when you start losing control of your own self, when you allow someone else to set your permissions, then you will have no one to blame but yourself. You have to stand up for yourself right from the start.
In my own relationship with my husband I did not have this obstacle because he is not that kind of man. He treats me with much respect. He is not the type of man who hangs with a bunch of guys talking about women or whatever they talk about. He is not perfect by any means but we seem to live together here and life here is not easy. I am no expert on marriage just because I have been married three times. An expert would most likely been married only once to the same person and have a long marriage. Just my thoughts on marriage in general.
Copyright © 2010 Kathleen G. Lupole
updated 2020
10 comments:
Great post! My husband and I have been together for 24 years. I met him when I was a shy young 16-year old and he was 18. We have grown into adults together and encourage each other to be the best that we can be. I agree that a 50/50 partnership is the only way to go.
Katlupe, what a wonderful tribute to your marriage and your husband.
I couldnt even imagine a marriage in which I wouldnt be equal, or he, for this matter. After WWII there were not a lot of men around who would be able to rebuilt Germany. The houses, streets, businesses etc. The women rebuild most of Germany. So when the young men who survived war were released from POW camps they returned to a country in which women VERY independently, efficient and confident run their lifes and businesses. The women didnt give up the independence gained anymore.... men struggled with this confidence, by now they more or less adjusted to the fact of peers! Just the view from this side of the pond.
I heard someone say once that marriage is not 50/50. It's 100/100. Kind of an interesting thought to ponder. Nice post.
Great post on marriage. I have been married 20 yrs and during our vows I agree to be submissive and respectful. I know during the years I have been neither at times. I think open communication is a major key and agreeing to work out conflicts.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts about marriage. I have one of the most wonderful husbands who my friends often ask if they can borrow. He, like your husband, treats me as his equal. Neither of us ask for permission to do anything. I think much of that comes from a mutual trust and respect and an acknowledgment that we are no less of a person when away from each other. One really important thing to remember is that neither of us can possibly meet ALL the needs of the other, but that our friends and interests outside of the marriage are just as important to our well-being.
Well I've been married 21 years and at times it was 50/50, at times 20/80 and at times 60/40. When I was sick, it was 2/98 (in my husbands favor). When he had problems it was the opposite. I'm not perfect, nor is my husband and we don't expect that from each other. That in itself is perfect. I can't imagine reading this as a young married though, I'd be stressed wondering if I could live up to that.
As a young married woman, I lived in one of those marriages where the man controlled everything. One of the pitfalls of doing that is that if, as my first husband did, he leaves. I was then incapable of doing anything for myself and had to learn it ALL in my thirties. From paying bills to handling all problems of raising my teen-age disabled son.
I believe a marriage should be 50/50 right from the start. Both spouses are due the respect of not being considered being taken care of by the other. Being sick is not what I am talking about here, but even then it is expected one partner would care for the other one in those times.
Katlupe, know exactly what you mean. Caring FOR someone in times of need is one thing, Taking care OF...is something so very different.
Both my husband and I know our marriage is an equal partnership but boy we struggle sometimes to come to a compromise about certain things! Nobody wins in a relationship full of game playing and manipulation. An equal partnership...no strings attached!
Equal pArtnership, but I want a man who wants to provide for me, not one who looks at me for what I can bring in money wise and ease his load. One who understands that I want to be home with my children and homeschool.
I found my treasure when I was 18, and its worked. Sometimes I gave 80% and he gave 20%. Sometimes our giving was 50-50, when I got sick, it was 2- 98% in my husbands favor. Sadly, that was when I saw the husbands of women who "pulled their weight' contributing to the household money leave. And it wasn't just one woman either.
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