Staying Positive In A Crazy World

I know everyone thinks of me as a positive person. Always looking for something good in every situation. Yesterday I had an appointment in my apartment with my new counselor from adult services. She is new to this job. Her boss told her she was sending her out on a fun appointment and that I had a pet rabbit! Now I take that as a compliment! You know how many of those social workers can be difficult to talk to or even make a joke with. I do remember earlier in the year having an appointment with her boss and we were laughing and sharing stories about our experiences on building our family trees. Mine has become quite extensive and talking about it is something I love to do. That is another post for another day.

It is not easy staying positive when things around you are crazy. I live in a senior housing apartment building so many of my friends and neighbors are elderly and/or disabled. Some can use a computer and some just use a phone. Others will say proudly that they don't know how to use a computer. Then they are knocking on my door asking me to find something online or print out something for them. One neighbor uses the computer across the street at the library. At least he uses one. 

One of the things I am not too positive about is getting Libre Office (the writing software I use in my computer) into this new computer. I was used to having someone else do these things for me and having to learn to do it on my own is a whole new thing. I am determined to work it out. I do not use Windows but Ubuntu as my operating system. It is more complicated when you are not a software engineer yourself. I am considering taking a class on it so that I will know how to handle all these things myself. Probably easy to do if you know what to do.

Working on the computer is something I can do even when I am unable to walk. Some days walking is incredibly difficult so sitting at my computer is a lifesaver for me. I went almost 19 years without watching any television so doing so now is not something I do a lot. At least not during the daytime hours. I am a computer person and always will be. I cannot waste my time sitting around being depressed about it. I just have to remember to get up and move around even when I am in pain. My worst pain is when I stand in place for even a little bit of time. If I keep moving, I am okay.

One thing I know about myself is that it is important for me to take my time to react to something. I make it a rule to never show my anger. Not that I don't have it, but after living with a very angry person for many years, I know it can get the better of you. You might say, write or do something that will affect your life forever. Take at least a day or more to think about it. I always write it down. Writing something has always been my way of dealing with any problem or troubling thoughts I have. Which is one reason I need to get Libre Office into this computer.............my journals are written using it. 

Every day I am grateful for the changes I made in my life in 2018. I dread to think what would have become of me if I hadn't. I think I was at my breaking point at the end of 2017 and I really thought I was going to die. The move here to my own apartment by myself has become the most significant thing I have ever done for myself. I realize now that after being married three times that I was not meant to live like that. Marriage is not for everyone and it was not for me. I was never happy and my favorite times was when my husband would leave to go somewhere. Now I wake up every morning to my own place with complete freedom of how to spend my day!

Copyright © 2021 Kathleen G. Lupole

All Photographs Copyright © 2021  Kathleen G. Lupole

Discovering Who You Are Meant To Be

My life before I got into the homesteading lifestyle was much different. For many years, I lived in a beautiful home and drove beautiful cars. I went on vacations, belonged to a health club, regularly had manicures and hair appointments. I did not worry too much about the price when I spent a day shopping at our local mall. Spending the week-ends or a week or two at a resort in the Catskills, at Long Beach in NY or out at Fire Island were my routine. My son and I went out to dinner several times a week with my husband at that time (Jeff's father). Even with all that, life was not really that great. I always felt my husband made all the decisions. I felt like I had lost myself and who I was. You know, like deep down.

It took me many years since then to discover myself again. The homesteading lifestyle derailed me for a time. It was not for me. It was too hard. Too expensive. Too depressing. I tried to love it. I wrote about it and learned about it. Maybe if my husband had loved it too or wanted it as much as I did. I thought he did in the beginning. I figured this lifestyle is what I've got, so might as well make the best of it. I could not stick it out for the rest of my life. I just could not. Not for my own sanity. Not for my horses' lives. I had online friends who I felt turned on me. I don't really know for sure, but people I thought of as friends who deleted me and blocked me. Or ignored me. They stayed friends with my husband. I couldn't help but feel that they judged me for leaving, for giving up the homesteading life. They did not live in my house and see the true story. They will never know it.

Now I have been here on my own for almost two years and I am discovering me! Slowly, but surely finding my way again. After so many years of not being able to do things that everyone takes for granted, I am enjoying life again. I remember a few years back asking, "What is fun?" I didn't know what it felt like at that point. I lost the memory of it. I know now. I have fun quite often. I recommend to anyone, man or woman, living in an unhappy situation to change it as soon as possible. Life is too short to be miserable. Don't make your happiness dependent on another person. Someday, you may be alone. Find your own happiness and if you have someone to share it with, that is wonderful. If not, you can still have a happy life.

My tips for creating a happy life are:

1. A home. Wherever you live make your home inviting to you. Even if it is just a room in your parents' house. Do not let it be cluttered because that affects your frame of mind. I  know this from first hand experience. I have lived both ways in my life and every time I was in a cluttered home, I was depressed. Throw everything out and clean it. Then decorate it.

2. Cook! Yes, cooking your food adds to the happiness factor. The routine of shopping for your food, preparing it and eating, is a way of showing how much you love yourself. You can share your meal, but you don't have to. I like to try new recipes and methods of cooking. It is fun (yes, that fun word again) and then comparing notes with your friends who cook too.

3. Music. Music has always been something I love. I like all kinds of music so not stuck in one genre means I am open to listening to new music. I play CD's almost daily and it always turns my mood up a notch or two. Try it! It is better than watching television.

4. Reading. I do not know how I would survive without the option of reading books. Now most of my books are eBooks on my Kindle. And that has made me read even more. I had gotten where I could not read very well because of my eyes and I lived in a dark house. Now I can read whenever I want and have plenty of lights.

5. Love. Well, I cannot ignore love and the importance it plays in our lives. I was soured on love. I had no expectations of finding love or being in love ever again. Some people have to have a love relationship in their lives. I don't know about myself, as I have never had a long enough period in my life ever, of being alone without a relationship. I really do not go looking for one. It just happens. As it has again. It does make you enjoy life a lot more. BUT you do not need a relationship to be happy and enjoy your life. I do not want to say anything more about that. I don't want to jinx it.

6. Family. I do not have a large immediate family. Just my son who lives a couple of blocks away. I have a brother but we do not see each other very often. I love all my many cousins, but my relationships with them is mostly online. I am always hoping to see them, but haven't been able to do that yet. If you do not have a family, you can always spend time with friends and after awhile they will become your family.

7. Pets. I would be mistaken if I did not include pets. Pets will make you happy. Yes, they cost money, time and often, stress. But they bring you so much more than that. I think if you are not happy and do not have a pet presently, getting one may change your whole life.

8. Finances. It goes without saying that your finances will affect your ability to be happy or not. Living without any money is no picnic. I know this from my own life. I have lived for too many years without enough money to cover my bills. Now I have been slowly climbing out of that hole I had been in. I am able to afford to do things I could not do before. But you have to start. If you do not at least start, you will never get out. My number one tip on that is to write by hand a budget every single month. Then live by that. If you want to buy something, put it on your budget for the next month. It takes away that cloud you were living under. What a relief!

9.Personal Care. Personal care is something you do not do when you have no money or time or whatever other reason. Personal care is so very important. Yes, you can give yourself a manicure or cut your own hair........BUT that is not the same! To have a professional give you a service they are trained for makes you feel, oh so special! Do those things you have been neglecting. Get your hair cut. Have your nails done. Buy that lipstick. Color your hair. Get dressed up and go out to a nice restaurant. You deserve it and most of all you NEED it. I know this is true because it is what I do now and I never feel guilty.

10. Be true to yourself. Be who you were meant to be. Don't dress to please someone else. Don't go places you do not want to go. Say what you feel. The most important person to please is yourself. It may sound selfish, but you will be a much happier and better person by doing so. For other people in your life, wouldn't they rather be around a cheerful, pleasant person than an old grumpy grouch all the time?

You can make your own list of what you feel, need or want. This is my list and I am positive doing these things in my life have helped me discover the person I was meant to be. If you are not happy with your life, you need to start on it today.

Copyright © 2020 Kathleen G. Lupole

All Photographs Copyright © 2020  Kathleen G. Lupole

Updated 2021

Losing Control of Your Life

Many times in life we stumble and fall. It is not that easy to get up again and start over. In my own life, I have started over too many times to count. Each time was difficult and a task I swore I would never endure again. One time in particular the pain was excruciating. I remember thinking I was flawed. I was someone nobody wanted or loved, except my immediate family. Why did I let another person make me feel this way? I thought and thought about why and how I came to this point in my life. I felt so bad and depressed and the person in question kept trying to give me Valium. I took it, but it did not take the pain away. My thought is that he was thinking I would just sleep my way through this period and forget what he did. Instead I made an appointment with a psychiatrist. Now maybe back in those days, the psychiatrists didn't freely prescribe drugs to ease your pain. They helped you by talking to you and listening to you. He did indeed, help me. I only went a few times. Then the person causing my pain made an appointment with MY psychiatrist, because he did not like what the doctor was telling me to do.

The truth is that I was completely controlled by a man I trusted and was married to. He not only controlled me, but many other people too. Even his clients, since he was an accountant and handled their finances. The night he told me he wanted a divorce, his lawyer came to our home and they coerced me into signing a separation agreement. The next day he moved out and he made me go to a movie with our son while he did so. Yes, he did make me do this! I still was doing what he told me to do. Yes, he still had control of me. Through out our marriage I was a stay at home wife and mother. The only time I worked was during his busy tax season when I worked as the receptionist in his office, so his secretary could assist him in doing the tax returns. It was always a very busy season for him as he was very successful. He paid me for it and that was the only time I worked during our marriage.

One important thing he stressed to me, as did his lawyer too, that if I went to my own lawyer about this, I would lose the generous alimony he had stipulated in the separation agreement. There was no provisions at all for our son who was eighteen and had just graduated from high school that year. He was developmentally disabled and not really eighteen mentally. No support at all in his interest. I think if I had gone to my own lawyer, he may have alerted me to this fact. I found out later that no matter what, the separation agreement after we signed it, would never have been void just because I went to a lawyer. Oh how naive I was back then! Never let anyone, husband, wife, child, siblings or anyone at all take control of your life! It is just too hard to gain it back and figure out what to do next. So our divorce was handled by the same lawyer, who was in my husband's pocket of course. Stupid Kathy!

When he left, I did not even know what bills we paid or how much. I had no claim on his business which made a lot of money. Our bank accounts were separate and I just wrote checks and would tell him how much to deposit in my account. Every now and then he'd take all my credit card bills and pay them off in full. Hey, we lived the good life. Vacations, several a year. Nice cars. I had it all or so I thought. A beautiful house in an area of really nice homes. All cut off almost immediately. Though yes, I did get a very generous amount of alimony. He would eventually keep paying it for the two years of the agreement, even after I remarried. He pushed me into my second marriage to get me out of his hair and not feel so guilty about his leaving me for a topless dancer. He had no regrets apparently as the week-end he left me, him and his new girlfriend (who I might add was a pretty good friend of mine as well as his) went on a vacation to Mexico. I was heartbroken.

What I learned in this episode of my life is to never give up your life to someone else. Though in my second brief marriage to a bad alcoholic, I did not do so. He was good to me even though drunk through out the whole two years of marriage. I just could not tolerate that lifestyle. I did eventually give up my control again.

Copyright © 2018 Kathleen G. Lupole

All Photographs Copyright © 2018 Kathleen G. Lupole

Happy Relationships Depend On The People In Them

Did you ever listen to someone who talked like they were VERY successful and knew everything about everything? Yet, they were not successful? In fact, they had nothing and was in their mid thirties. Had no home of their own and going from one job to another. One bad relationship after another. Which was always the other person's fault. Oh, of course, NOTHING was their fault! Then when they stated their views on relationships you could certainly see why.

I have been around someone who talked and thought this way recently. Believe me, it is very hard for me not to say something and end up in a fight with this person. REAL men are nothing like that. My father was a strong, but caring man. He was tough when the situation warranted it. My brother too, though he comes across as a rough character, he has a gentle, caring side as well. Just because you don't let people walk all over you, does not mean you have to be abusive.

Being abusive for no reason other than selfishness and wanting to use someone else, does not give you a license to torment and be cruel to someone else. I often wonder WHY does someone like this have to involve their life with another's? Why don't they just pay a prostitute for sex and leave the good women alone? Life would be so much better for all involved and it would limit them having children. A person like that does not deserve to have even one child........yet most of the time they have a few by different women. Shows their lack of intelligence, don't you think so?

On Oprah's website she has a list of signs of abusive partners/spouses. I can see these signs in a people who have problems dealing with people in general, not just as a spouse, but even a grown child or family member. Be careful how much you give in to them, as you may live to regret it. Tough love is a must in dealing with people of this sort, as well as addicts, and I mean alcohol as well as drugs. Get help from someone if you need it. I was married to an alcoholic and went to Al-anon for help, though they help any type of addiction. Get the help you need now!

Copyright © 2012 Kathleen G. Lupole

All Photographs Copyright © 2012  Kathleen G. Lupole

Choose Your Own Path

I lived a whole other life at one time. A life of spending time at the mall shopping for relaxation (oh my, I can't believe that was really me back then!). Spending several hours every morning at the local racquet ball court and exercise club for my exercise! A private club? Really! I am not kidding. Maids coming to my house once a week to clean. Yes, that was true too (I can admit with embarrassment now. But that is not all). Going to my hair salon once a month for my hair color and cut. Having a standing appointment every other week to have my artificial nails done. Eating dinner out a few times a week........not fast food..........nice places. It sounds too good to be true, doesn't it?

Well, I can say right now and mean it........I was not happy. The trade off for that lifestyle was that I was married to a very domineering man. A man who controlled all the money because he made it and I did not work. I stayed at home to raise my son. I can't say I minded that arrangement but still, the one who controls the money is the one in charge.

I had a house that backed up to the woods. So even though we were in a housing development, we had nobody behind us. Just ten miles of heavy woods. Deer would come in our yard. I remember trying so hard to find a way to get someone to bring a rototiller to my house to plow a garden plot for me. Never found anyone. A friend of ours who owned a restaurant used to buy the damaged fruits and vegetables from the produce sellers. He'd bring them to me, all full of rotten spots and bruises. After he left I'd toss them out (Who would want them???).

Now after 22 years have gone by and my life has changed so much and so has my way of thinking. I'd never turn my nose up at that produce now! Nope. I know how to cut around those bruises and spots now. You'd never catch me wasting food now!

And the garden? I would have gone out and started digging that ground up. Or I'd have advertised in the newspaper for someone to come plow it up for me. I could have paid someone back then easily.Shoot all my landscaping was done by a garden center, including planting my roses. I had a beautiful deck and I could have planted containers of vegetables and fruits. I didn't know how to can back then, but my father is the one who taught me some years later. He could have taught me back then too.

I guess my message in this post is, don't let anyone hold you back from things you want to do. Find a way to do it. Even if you are a stay at home Mom, you can plant some pots of food on the deck or put some plants in the yard. Do it with your children. You must find a way to put some money aside so that you are not penniless. I know that is the biggest reason why woman stay with husbands who are abusive, verbal or physical, or controlling. One of my friends back then wanted to leave her husband and I took her to the women's center for abused women. The police had to go with her to get her things out of her house. They had their guns drawn as they went up to the house to help her. What kind of situation is that to be in? I didn't have it that bad. Controlling is one thing, but I was free to go and do as I pleased most of the time. Many women are not.

Copyright © 2011 Kathleen G. Lupole
All Photographs Copyright © 2011  Kathleen G. Lupole

Marriage Is A Complex Subject

Photo Credit: Public Domain Photos

Recently the subject of marriage has come up on a forum I belong to. All the women have their own perspective on marriage and what it takes to have a good marriage. I have been married twice before. One of the women made a statement that "there is no 50/50 in a marriage. That someone has to wear the pants." I cannot agree with that statement at all......... that there is no 50/50. I think that IS the problem in most marriages! I had a marriage like that. I know it doesn't work. My parents had an equal partnership......neither was over the other one. Once a woman hands over her 50%.........then she is resentful of her spouse, and puts herself in the same boat as her children. Except they grow up and leave home, she doesn't, unless they split up.

Photo Credit: Sam Mugraby

One key in marriage that I learned many years ago from Marlo Thomas of all people, is that she told Phil Donahue before they got married, that she wants the same for him as she wants for herself. Meaning that she doesn't put him or his career behind her's or in front of her's. They are the same. Equal. She wanted him to do good and have the best, and wanted him to feel the same about her. I can't remember her exact quote, but it was in his book when he wrote about their relationship. 


Not long ago on that same forum we discussed the incidence of women withholding sex from their spouses for reasons like wanting him to do something for them, having an argument or buy them something or any such reason. Well, if you hand him over your part of the partnership, in your marriage, then that is when sex does become the bargaining chip for the wife, who has given up her rights in the marriage. 


My parents and my in-laws were both married in 1942 and I know both of our mothers were equal partners in their marriages. My mother worked and managed the money in our house, but there were never issues over money in our house. We always had nice homes, nice cars and did a lot of fun things as a family. I never ever heard my parents have a cross word with each other. I had friends who's parents fought and I remember getting really scared if I was at their house when they fought because I was not familiar with that. My family was full of humor, jokes and laughter. To this day, my father at 91, can't wait to tell you a joke or share something funny someone said or did. 

Photo Credit: Sam Mugraby

So what happens when two people meet? They feel that spark of attraction and want to get to know each other better. Is that the time to sit down and make up the rules of their relationship? Or do you just kind of slide into some sort of routine and then too late you realize that you have stopped being yourself to accommodate this new person in your life? Many times that is what happens. The reason is that discussing it may ruin the spontaneity of the new relationship. If you don't stop the relationship when you start losing control of your own self, when you allow someone else to set your permissions, then you will have no one to blame but yourself. You have to stand up for yourself right from the start. 


In my own relationship with my husband I did not have this obstacle because he is not that kind of man. He treats me with much respect. He is not the type of man who hangs with a bunch of guys talking about women or whatever they talk about. He is not perfect by any means but we seem to live together here and life here is not easy. I am no expert on marriage just because I have been married three times. An expert would most likely been married only once to the same person and have a long marriage. Just my thoughts on marriage in general.

Copyright © 2010  Kathleen G. Lupole

updated 2020