For So Long

My heart was sad for so long,

I got used to it that way.

Nothing changed, no matter what,

I did my best, but lost my hope.

Searched for help constantly,

a futile effort it was for me.

Never giving me results,

needing not much to get by,

just a place to lay my head.

A safe home for my stuff,

a happy place to call my own,

for me and my lil’ bunny boy.

Freedom to do as we please.

lights, water running into sinks,

taking showers day and night.

People to meet and talk to,

making friends here and there,

a normal life like everyone else.

Not looking at it from afar,

or wishing I was like everyone else. 

I, not always lived this way,

I am sure I could fit in after a bit,

getting used to modern conveniences,

like always before, no longer secluded,

no one making choices for me anymore.

Doing what and how I please

excites me so much, you wouldn’t believe.

I have been planning this for so long,

never thought it would actually happen.

Someone to talk to, helped make my decision,

pushed me along till it is finally time.

Time to say good-bye to this life,

to live like normal people,

who take things for granted,

they use every day.

Places they go and cars they drive,

not spending months at a time,

without going away from their home.

Soon I will be one of them too.

Never would have gotten this far,

was held back by not having a car.

So kept thinking and writing why,

I needed to do this and hopefully now,

is the time, won’t be too late.

I am determined now to not let anything,

get in my way or stop me,

from walking out that door.

This means the end of my life,

as I have known it, for many years.

It is time to make this change,

for my well being and mental self.

It scares me to death.........

but I know it is something, I must do!

It is the hardest thing I have ever done,

though have been dreaming of it,

forever, and wanting it so bad.

What is wrong with me?

Am I so scared of the fury of the dark man?

Who presides over my life, that the fear

becomes unbearable at times.

Copyright © 2018 Kathleen G. Lupole

All Photographs Copyright © 2018 Kathleen G. Lupole

Listening for a Sound

I am listening for a sound or a signal from

someone,

or something to touch me down deep;

that will remind me, why I am here.

Or where I came from and where I will

 go.

Timeless visions embedded in my mind,

that remind me of sights I have seen.

Of looks that have become stuck in an

endless reel,

over and over again, backwards and

forwards,

with no end. A loop that

just keeps going,

my mind sees it over and over and needs

relief,

but it never stops, this parody called my life.

Early morn I arise at first light,

see the glint of sun in the sky.

Hope abides in my thoughts for the day,

it will be better, I will be sane today.

I will feel the air against my skin,

and sunshine will bathe me in its rays.

Hope and dreams for a better day

for today, and every day as it begins.

Though somewhere in my morning,

those thoughts are erased from my mind,

now dark thoughts, discouraging words

are all that remain.

I searched and searched for someone or something,

to lift my sadness even for a day, for an hour or so.

There is no remedy for that coming from any being.

The only one that has that power is me.

Not sure it would comply with what I need or seek,

having spent a lifetime in search of it needlessly.

Now my days are spent in endless boring tasks,

chores that run my house, but have no affect on me.

Nothing that makes me think, hope or dream,

nothing that makes me happy, alive or full of joy.

It is all sad, unhappy moments in a woman’s

 lifetime,

that consumes her every thought through out her

 day.

Will it ever end? Will she ever be free? When?

She feels like she is wrong. She is living in her

 fantasy world,

but feels like a whore. Feels like she is doing wrong

 for wanting,

for wanting a life that is hers, a life that is fun and

 happy.

What is life if not meant to be enjoyed? Is it just for

 work,

boredom and doing for others, what they can do for

 themselves?

How do you escape this dull gray life for life

 beyond?

How? Can someone tell me? Tell me it is possible,

not a futile dream from novels and movies,

that make up her fantasy world.

Copyright © 2018 Kathleen G. Lupole

All Photographs Copyright © 2018 Kathleen G. Lupole

Updated 2021

Weather Induced Depression

The weather seems to affect many people's moods and their activities. I read aloud in the evenings to my husband since we do not have a television and have turned off our computers before supper. So I read various books from the Bible to inspirational, to business books to even books about Science (of which my husband just loves), and books about how to do various homesteading chores (such as Carla Emery's Encyclopedia of Country Living). It is our learning time. Right now I am reading a book called Sugar Blues by William Dufty and this book is so interesting.

Last night I read in a book that had various inspirational stories. The one I read was about a grandfather who when someone came by his greeting was always the same, "Beautiful day, isn't it?" No matter what the weather was....raining, snowing, cold and windy, sunny, hot and humid..........whatever it was. The author told how if it was cold and snowing, his grandfather would fill up the potbellied wood stove in the living room and get a fire going.  Then he'd bring out some paper, pens and books and settle down to spend a day reading writing and feeling the cozy warmth of a wood stove.

One day a friend came to his house to cancel their outing together due to the rainy weather and he was afraid of him getting sick. When he opened the door the first thing he heard from his friend was, "Beautiful day, isn't it?" So they went on the outing and had a memorable time. Which they would have missed out on if he had canceled due to the weather. How many times have you cancelled something you were going to do due to the weather? I have done it many times myself. Especially winter time activities. I hate driving in snow and probably miss out on doing something

So many people look at the weather and it is the factor that decides their mood for the day. I see it around me all the time. If it is a beautiful day then they are in a great mood because they can go outside and do what they want in the fresh air and sunshine. But if not, they are cooped up inside and just let their mood reflect the drip, drip, drip of the rain as it hits the windows. I know for me, I appreciate the rain. It keeps my hand dug well filled all through the summer. The only weather I cannot handle is the thunder and lightning storms but I have gotten a bit better about them in recent years. And last night we had a doozie of a thunder and lightning storm.

Last summer was the summer known as "the year of no summer" and our garden did not do well. This year I have a feeling it could be a dry summer though so far we have had a perfect spring. I try to stay "up" and not let the weather or someone else's mood bring me down. I get that from my family. My father and mother were great jokers. Always had something funny to say. I cannot ever remember my parents going around in a depression or bad mood. Though my father had periods where his health was not good and he'd be in very bad pain, later on we found that he had kidney stones and that's a whole other story.

Copyright © 2010 Kathleen G. Lupole