Reflections of katlupe: sadness

Showing posts with label sadness. Show all posts

Tuesday, May 08, 2018

Sadness Or Happiness

Sadness encircles my heart today,

a feeling of which I cannot control.

Changes I make for my own well being,

hurt others, once loved by me.

No matter what roadblocks pop up,

obstacles in my quest for life,

a life created in my dreams.

Is there a reason it is not meant to be?

Or is it a life needed to be fought for,

over and over till the end of my time?

Strength fails me at times, I grow weak,

my endurance is tiring, I fall asleep.

Living so long as a shell of myself,

can it even be fixed in a simple moment?

No, I have lived too long in sadness,

agony, bitterness and anger.

I prayed for a way out, for a release,

finally it came, Started to feel happy again,

as time grew closer to my escape,

I became worried, then scared.

Instead of drawing closer to others,

I felt myself pulling away. Standing back

and reflecting on my thoughts, hopes

and dreams. When will my release come?

A prison of a life, held back by circumstance.

Will it be another passing moment in my life,

that was wrong or a disappointment?

No matter how many friends gather

to help me, I feel alone and isolated,

even in the midst of many.

I confide in few, my trust is guarded,

secretive is the way I live mostly.

Not wanting to share my pain with

the world, not needing pity or criticism,

and knowing, judging looks of people

who live superior lives, that look down

on others. I held my head high, regardless.

A friend took my hand and guided me,

encouraged me all the way to the door.

Kept me going and not letting me miss

my chance and on I marched to life,

my life, my new life. So many things

I had to do, sometimes almost giving up,

but on I went and soon it was worth the wait.

Now the day is upon me, leaving behind all my

sadness, grief and unspoken words. All those

reasons that propelled me into my new life,

and on through the door. The door to new

beginnings, my new life.

Saturday, April 14, 2018

A Time of Sadness

Sad days, sad times, seems like I have many,

too many, I thought I found the cure for it,

then I feel the cloud covering again, what I thought

was happiness and joy. I realize it may not be

meant for me after all. My feelings got in the way.

Being a burden, to others, I know I am,

struggling to unwind the ropes I am tangled in.

How did I get here? I ask myself daily.

Most importantly, how do I remove them,

if ever, and what if I never do?

Sadness envelopes me daily, as

I hold back tears, until I am alone,

in bed with a tear stained pillow.

Will it ever end this empty feeling,

or go on and on forever?

Sadness is such a worthless way,

to live, never feeling joy,

never feeling happy, just nothing.

No feeling, nothing to look forward to,

no life outside a monitor screen.

A wasted life, a wasted woman,

always on the outside, never able

to find the key, the days of joy,

happy filled moments, of true love

of being important to someone.

To be cared about, to matter

to matter to another being,

whoever, whatever he may be.

I searched and searched my whole

life, but never found that happy

life, now my life is more than half over,

and I know it is not in the cards for me.

Life is a struggle every day, and most

days I want to just disappear.

Oh to walk down the road and

away from here, with no looks back.

With no second thoughts or regrets,

to just keep going where no one

is familiar, and no one speaks.

To be free of all the things,

and the ropes that confine me,

every day of my life.

Just follow the road and sleep

in a bed made of branches

and leaves, eat the roots and

wild fruits found along the way.

Does it really matter if I disappeared,

would anyone really care,

or only miss me when it is time

to cook a meal, or clean a cage?

Why is it that I feel unimportant,

and can be cast away like nothing.

A useless object, makes me want to just

whisper, "Good-bye."

Wednesday, April 11, 2018

Longing For Something

I was longing for something,

but did not know what.

Feelings of emptiness, resonated within me,

passion for life disappeared.

I faced my demons once again,

Knowing I needed to get through,

this thick sludge I call my life.

A voice inside, spoke to me,

telling me, what I must do.

I heard it, but did not act on it.

Soon, another voice answered me,

this time the voice asked me,

What was I doing with my life?

Did I not know that life is brief,

you must create the life you want?

The life you dream about, day and night,

the life that will make you happy again?

So I started my plans,

my plans to do what I must do.... for me.

Stop putting others before me,

until I have no life of my own.

Starting on this new life for me,

began to open doors, locked doors,

or so I thought. Doors, I thought I'd never see,

but once I started opening them,

more doors opened too.

All of a sudden my life starts looking up,

the life I desire begins in little ways,

that never were apparent before.

All of a sudden things began to happen,

life is promising again, yes,

even though not at the spot I need

to be, but is on the horizon.

Making your life is creating a new

self, the person you always said

you wanted to be. Now is your chance,

and maybe your only chance.

So grab it, don't let go,

don't look back, just ahead.

Find the new things that will,

make your life whole again.

It may be easy for some,

harder for others, some will

never discover how to start.

I got started after many false starts,

when I did, I got going

it felt and still feels good.

I am running full speed

toward my much hoped for goal.

My goal has propelled me

to doors, I never dreamed of before,

it is exciting and makes me grin.

You must search for your own

happiness and self-worth, no one else

will give it to you, it is all up to you.

The day I learned that, is that day my

freedom and happiness surfaced.

I could see it, I could sense it,

I knew it was time to grab it

while I still can, no matter how old,

how poor, how bad your health is,

take hold of that dream and do not

give up no matter what.

Find a way, a person to help, learn

how to make your life your own.

Nobody, not even a parent, a spouse,

or child can do it for you.

Now get started.............

Tuesday, April 03, 2018

Happier Times Ahead

Losing myself was easy to do,

just following along, living in the moment,

not remembering what I was about.

Not making goals of my own,

or plans, I had forgotten,

for good it seemed, never mentioned again.

At times I glimpsed those dreams, in times of sadness,

a sadness that never completely left.

I wondered why, when I had it all,

or so I thought at that time,

my life had changed and I felt abandoned.

Instead of crying over what was,

or what had changed, or why.

I decided to make my life

the way I choose, now.

Not to sit and cry or be sad,

take those steps and break away.

Cut that rope that binds me, as soon as I can.

Make my own life by myself,

dependent on no one.

Bring back my health, I know I can.

Build my friend network and laugh again,

laugh with friends, laugh with cousins,

have some fun for a change.

I am done with being sad forever,

for never having a friend,

or just not having a free day

a day to do what I want without

worrying about what someone else will say

I am done with watching my words

to not say something in a tone of voice

that someone might take the wrong way

Hoping for freedom from this life,

wishing it would come tomorrow.

I need to find myself and in doing so,

I will find happiness once again.

Once I started working on a plan,

I got excited to think I could do this.

It is really going to happen.

Now nothing will deter me as the time nears,

sorry to cause pain and hurt in doing so.

but I must do what I must do.

Have to stop putting my life on hold,

because of feeling sorry for someone.

My life was wasting away,

day by day, locked in a prison of despair.

Now I have something look forward to,

a life of joy and independence.

I can't wait.

Sunday, March 25, 2018

Escape Reality

I woke up to the stars twinkling

in the black sky, soon drinking my coffee, planning my day.

What to do? Where to start? Endless tasks on my mind,

suddenly thoughts of someone, flit through

my thoughts, settled in and stayed.

No thoughts of chores, problems or what have you,

thinking thoughts of someone, much deeper than those.

My day starts being better with positive thoughts,

happy thoughts and full of love. Till the dark force

shows its face once again through the face of the bad man.

The bad man who lives with anger, temper, meanest ,

never shows compassion or caring without a selfish motive.

Tears my innards apart with upset, nervousness and fear.

Builds up over time until I can stand it no longer.

Plans made to escape my reality, road blocks appear,

must restart again, stick to my plan no matter what.

need to follow through before my life disappears,

and I am, but a shadow of my true self.

Need to do this as fast as I can

but things keep getting in the way.

Please Lord, do not let me sway

for someone else, for their problems.

Why should my life take the backseat once more?

I feel invisible once again, but trying hard to use it

to my advantage, to escape this nightmare,

this nightmare called my life.

Every day, I begin again, hoping for what?

An easier road to travel, joyful times in my future,

or are they just a vision for something that never

materializes or becomes my reality, I cry in pain

at that thought. Please let my escape become real.

Please let me live again. I once did. I gave it up for what?

For a man, for more than a few men. Who overcame me,

took my freedom, my thoughts, my control and yes,

then my life too. My life too.

Thursday, March 22, 2018

Listening for a Sound

I am listening for a sound or a signal from

someone,

or something to touch me down deep;

that will remind me, why I am here.

Or where I came from and where I will

go.

Timeless visions embedded in my mind,

that remind me of sights I have seen.

Of looks that have become stuck in an

endless reel,

over and over again, backwards and

forwards,

with no end. A loop that

just keeps going,

my mind sees it over and over and needs

relief,

but it never stops, this parody called my life.

Early morn I arise at first light,

see the glint of sun in the sky.

Hope abides in my thoughts for the day,

it will be better, I will be sane today.

I will feel the air against my skin,

and sunshine will bathe me in its rays.

Hope and dreams for a better day

for today, and every day as it begins.

Though somewhere in my morning,

those thoughts are erased from my mind,

now dark thoughts, discouraging words

are all that remain.

I searched and searched for someone or something,

to lift my sadness even for a day, for an hour or so.

There is no remedy for that coming from any being.

The only one that has that power is me.

Not sure it would comply with what I need or seek,

having spent a lifetime in search of it needlessly.

Now my days are spent in endless boring tasks,

chores that run my house, but have no affect on me.

Nothing that makes me think, hope or dream,

nothing that makes me happy, alive or full of joy.

It is all sad, unhappy moments in a woman’s

lifetime,

that consumes her every thought through out her

day.

Will it ever end? Will she ever be free? When?

She feels like she is wrong. She is living in her

fantasy world,

but feels like a whore. Feels like she is doing wrong

for wanting,

for wanting a life that is hers, a life that is fun and

happy.

What is life if not meant to be enjoyed? Is it just for

work,

boredom and doing for others, what they can do for

themselves?

How do you escape this dull gray life for life

beyond?

How? Can someone tell me? Tell me it is possible,

not a futile dream from novels and movies,

that make up her fantasy world.

Updated 2021

Friday, March 16, 2018

Snowdrifts Everywhere I Look

Snowdrifts everywhere I look,

white, pure white snow,

pretty to look at.

Fun to play in.

Just one of those things,

a pretty sight,

beneath my view,

hard work.

Pretty white snow today,

means ice, slush, then mud

will be in its place

for days to come.

Just like life.

Life looks pretty,

my life included.

Others say,

"I look up to you."

I politely thank them.

Deep down I cry.

I know I am no one to look up to.

I know my life is not true.

It is sad,

it is lonely.

I am sad,

I am lonely,

crying into my pillow nightly.

Wishing for an escape,

that never seems to come.

Death does not seem so bad,

if it frees me from the ropes,

that keep me in a place I despise.

Is that the only choice?

Finding a new life is my dream,

a dream that seems out of reach.

Imagining a whole new me,

in a whole new life.

It consumes me day after day,

and yes, year after year.

Why can't I find my way,

my way to happiness?

I had it once a very long time ago,

but now, it has been too long to remember it.

Why does everybody else have it,

but not me?

Why?

What did I do that was so bad,

that I can never in my whole life,

find it again?

Thursday, March 01, 2018

Hopes And Dreams Canceled

Hopes and Dreams Canceled

Busted dreams, I see at night,

Waking up to tears streaming,

on my pillow and cheeks.

Sadness taking my mind over,

Whatever happened to me,

the person I used to be?

She was lost somewhere

and I don't know how to get her back.

I didn't see her leave,

she didn't say good-by.

One day I looked and could not find her.

I cried that day for her.

She had such hopes and dreams, but

they were canceled.

Canceled by bad choices.

Then forgotten for the time.

Years later looking back,

I cringe to think of what she did

to herself and her dreams.

Like they did not matter.

But matter they did.

Now she looks back and cries.

Cries for her sadness consumes her.

Cries for it being too late for her,

too late to have any dreams,

just hardship and heartbreak,

worry, pain and loneliness

visit her daily. Whether she invites them or not.

Nobody to talk to.

Nobody that cares.

All alone in the universe,

not caring whether she lives or dies.

Nobody would notice.

So she goes through each day,

over and over the same

trivial routine of daily living.

Each day is all the same,

nothing to get excited about,

nothing to smile about,

just her every day boring life.

Hating her life and going through the motions,

but nothing affecting that spot deep inside,

where excitement, hope and dreams dwells,

deep inside each person.

Some never encourage it to come to the surface.

They just push it back inside,

like a lump of clay.

There it stays for the rest of their life.

~ katlupe

Pages